«I have been a common child since my childhood, neither fat, nor skinny, with normal appetite and the same liveliness and light-heartedness as all children have. I was the most active girl at school, an excellent student, smart and beautiful; in general I maintained my reputation as „a star“. Since my early childhood I visited a sports group, then I went to music school, drawing school, visited various hobby groups…

I was also responsible for my younger brother. I got used to doing everything in time, perfectly and waiting approval and praise for it. But the praise took long to appear especially from mum, whose educational motto was „It is better not to praise too much but to criticize and to stimulate for better achievements“.

Soon it was time I should leave my family nest, and cut off ties with mum and to start my own life. By that time I gave up sports and music. I started paying much attention how smart and beautiful I was, whether I was worthy of my peers in the new environment, among new people. As ill luck would have I started putting on weight as a punishment of my fussing about the appearance. Boys didn't like me right at the time when all the rest girls came into bloom, shed the „grey mouse“ fur and beat me, a beauty and „a star“, with the best guys. I was alone and I had to do something about it…

There were brutal repressions concerning my own body: diets, fasts, exhausting jogging in the morning, hours spent in a gym, dancing and hunger over and over again! In half a year fainting right at studies I was beyond myself of happiness showing all my bones which become so obvious. I lost one third of my initial weight! My classmates couldn't recognize me.

And mum… my poor mom…. She went on criticizing throwing me further and further away from myself. She tried to make me understand by every possible means that I was not beautiful in my thinness, that she felt ashamed for my leanness, that „blokes are not dogs, they don't throw themselves to bones“ and so on and so forth. But I didn't hear anything drinking in my lightness and beauty, I stroke up love affairs, bought splendid fashionable clothes of small sizes.  And I went on with fasting days; I didn't eat meat-butter-chocolate-buns-sour cream-mayonnaise and so on… Cabbage, kefir, beet, carrot were my favorite food for several years!!!   A mum put me cakes on the sly, baked pies; dumplings and cutlets were every other day, and the father often gathered the family for shish kebab.

It turned into a real torture. I ran away from home to live separately and eat what I need. But once a peaceful tempo of fasts and avoiding feasts was broken by invitation to my friends' wedding. Gosh, our guys are getting married already and I haven't even noticed how quick time passes! What could I notice then at all except weighing scales needle? However I enjoyed wedding fun not for long. Rich feast caught me, slender and hungry, unawares with all the power of Slavic traditions. I didn't hear and see anyone around me. The only thing I saw was food! Having lost control over food like a prisoner escaped from a concentration camp I devoured fried chicken, salads with fat mayonnaise seasoning, smoked sausages, cutlets, staffed meat rolls and so on.

I can't even say how my poor organism was feeling used to digest only grass and water for several years… but it left all eaten! Having come to as if I were swoon I saw myself in the horror film: an enormous 6 months' pregnancy belly was popping up on my skinny body. In a night fat and water lied heavily on my body; the eyes got swollen, the legs puffed up. And the place called a waist earlier sunk in something jelly-soft and alien stuck to my body in one night.

The nightmare became true — I was disfigured! To say that I took it hard and regretted, that all the years of keeping figure went to pot at a wedding stretch is to say nothing at all. I was screaming from hysterics! Give me back my body! I hate food!!! Purgatives, lots of purgatives and diuretics! Tearing and devouring pains inside, faints again and again. I punished myself properly for laxity, for taboo!

It was my life then, and some years more passed in such a way. Whether it was a casual words of my friend or whether I read about it somewhere … you can stick two fingers down the throat to be sick — and: clear, no belly, enjoy food without spoiling figure! I couldn't eat normally any longer.

The world shut down as a fridge door where I was locked… Locked with food in the dark castle of my body of 52 kg. I became a food addict — any food if only the dose was great enough to threw up easily. 8 more years of constant grub and retching agony passed!

It was no use of asking relatives for help. Probably nobody could understand it. But it was the only person who wanted to change the situation and to save herself — it was me actually! I started looking for information, people aware of this problem and at least I found specialists who brought me back to a normal life.

And now I could easily describe my past life knowing what a long hard way it was to my dream, to my goal — to find myself!»

I left this client's long letter unchanged in the blog as it reflects the best typical premises of the disease. This story similar to my own story is the story of most girls who are calling to me for help to break out the vicious cycle of food-vomit-weight…  I can say for sure that all of them are definitely superstars. They are hyper responsible, smart, orderly, industrious, extremely strong-willed and purposeful, punctilious and punctual, often hard-edged, and they are perfectionists in everything. Though as paradoxical it may seem they suffer from low-esteem which is formed in the family, in the peer communication, in mother's and father's sets, and in family fables. There is a break between self-positioning in the society, the wish to conform and to prove and not-acceptance of oneself being.

What is actually nervous bulimia? How much do we know about it to seek for help?

To begin with I would say that the process of secret anorexic inclinations is rather an imperceptible one. A girl just need to slim slightly, she doesn't just like a bit her thighs' or belly's shape. It can be strengthened; a kilo can be put off… And it would most likely be harmless if each girl was firmly aware of her body to be unique irrespective of all its drawbacks.

Mass media, model contests, fashion TV, various Miss awards have done their part. 95% girls associate 90-60-90 proportions with success, sex-appeal, superness and public recognition.  There are not only ideal faces in TV screens and glossies, but standard super model bodies dazzle naked and fine-moulded. Each girl wants to be beautiful, model and ideal. And in chase of this image girls go beyond the limits of simple rules of keeping one's shape and fall ill with excessive anxiety of their body, their weight, appropriateness and compliance to the standards of belly flatness and thigh slenderness. There is no control over the sophisticated fault-finding with herself both by oneself and by parents and relatives as ALL EVERYTHING is kept secret from them.

Food taboos, fasts, self-punishment for appetite go first. Then at last your mind can't stand it any more and fails as uncontrolled engorgement fits justified that there will be a punishment all in all as retching if not piles of purgatives. A girl can't admit it abnormal and harmful to health to keep the problem secret. Feeling a nasty trick she goes on deceiving herself. Only some people can make it public and call for help. The question of confidence is of most importance here: And if they laugh at it? And if they don't understand, spurn, accuse, make me «eat like normal people!» and stop «pottering!»

Though there is one more position. Some compassionate parents suspecting a problem staff their «mad» thin child into a nut-house where she finds herself to be mentally ill!  And no antidepressants will take her back the right sense of things, adequate perception of her figure, joys of life, finding of lifelong love, family happiness and her own children.

Bulimia and anorexia are fatal diseases. And that how much are we aware of them will contribute a lot to avoid young girls' problems who want to look like Barby doll or like Mila Jovovich. The notion of «brandness», Hollywood «staress» and model business must be segregated from notions of individuality and originality of each girl, and woman. I would like to create woman sexualization judging from motherhood, womanhood, gentleness, and cosiness.  And I will repeat over and over again — individuality!

And even if the problem already exists it is of great importance to accept it right, to cure it using humane and professional therapy techniques considering bulimia or anorexia to be madness-like by no means. To veil the problem is as dangerous as to take wrong measures to «stop this total chaos!» There is a SOLUTION to the problem! Ask questions, make the situation clear, read the necessary literature and turn to us, we sincerely wish you well!  We will help you to find the way to a new life!

Irina Kultchinskaya

Internet journal Bulimiastop.com