|
«Everything has its origin in the family!» — on hearing this trite statement I inevitably recall my first teacher who used it only for reforming undisciplined children: bad boys and tomboys. Such was my perception at that time: «Can it possiblly be that his mother and farther purposefully taught him to behave like that?» And why does she not tell it to model pupils? Aren't good manners taught in the family?" We laughed at this statement all my school years. But it appears to be not so funny… The importance of the impact of the family and relations between relatives on bulimia and its therapy will be discussed today. It might seem there is no connection between the disease and the family education. My experience of bulimia study shows that there is a direct connection, let alone the first teacher. It is common knowledge that upbringing provides a determinant influence on self-esteem formation. The source of bulimia is low self-esteem — i.e. lack of love expression in the family, the sense of loneliness, needlessness, complexes, lack of intimacy with mother. Here I would like to give more details. The experience shows that girls whose relations with the mother are complicated have as a rule self-esteem problems. I can't say that such relations are definitely bad. Just the other way round! They tend to be very intimate, impossible to be broken out with the intimacy disguised under different roles on the emotional level. With regard to the mother she may play the role of a strict and just parent, who considers feeling expression to be papping or connivance. Mothers of such a type think that the principle «It is better not to praise too much» facilitates achievement growth. This causes a child's steep demands to himself/herself. The requirement standards are constantly increasing to achieve more and more, to contest with peers. The girl «must be» the best! Daughters of «kind but just» mothers got used to overcoming themselves, for achieving through victims. It is expressed not only through constant figure perfecting and the wish to dress nice and «better than others» or, for instance, imitate fashionable and successful mother, but it is a whole set of brilliant learning abilities (as a rule, girls are excellent students), of self-education abilities and social network selection. It is also a hidden expression of oneself being good, able, the best for mum waiting for approval, praise which the mother used to hide not to «put off» or not to «spoil». Receiving no approval the girl feels hurt, angry, irritated, she doubts her goodness and superness. All these feelings can exist, they really stimulate to new achievements, and form combativity and endurance. But not for one more feeling which causes the disease. This is the sense of guilt. The sense of guilt develops like a flower in a greenhouse in the atmosphere of emotional vacuum when no loving, approving and tender words are said. The girl becomes unreasonably guilty for her lack of success in her opinion and for underestimation of her abilities by dear people. And not always only by mum. The sense of guilt always generates self-punishment. Subconscious punishment manifests itself in psychosomatic diseases. And they are not only bulimia or anorexia. But in such case we discuss bulimia. The nature of this disease is the same as anorexia's (the rejection of food to protest, to draw attention to oneself) but moreover a bulimic starts subconsciously hating her mother being afraid to confess to it as her mum has always wished her only well and has served as an absolute paragon in everything. Anorexia is based on the fear to be rejected; bulimia is based on the fear to be left. Such a dependence on mother without the expression of frank emotional experience and feelings manifests itself that a girl can't stop pursuing achievements being stimulated by mum. Usually bulimia develops by a person who would like to break ties with the mother but can't do it because of the reasons described above; that's why he goes to the other limit i.e. he needs the mother to be always present. Such a person frequently experiences a feeling that the mother tries to fill the whole emotional space repressing the love of oneself and of others. As the girl was brought up with feeling restraint it is quite reasonable to assume that a bulimic restrains love and respect to her mother and at the same time she doesn't want to admit her woman. A woman who has become a rival in her living skills. Such an attitude to the mother prevents establishing a contact with her own feminine. Such an attitude caused the development of cold and cruel people who lost contact with their needs, their emotions and don't allow themselves to get their wishes to become true. Bulimia crisis occurs as a rule when the time comes the girl should become her own master and enter the world of passion where drive for achievements does not always determine self-esteem and results. The problem already emerged, mothers frequently try to make up for their emotional restraint and starts «saving» their daughters actively. It can be either indulgence of all demands and caprices (they buy food, new clothes, sympathetic attitude towards ultimatum to stop learning and any activity, etc.) or vice versa such moralizing as «it is all your fault» or compulsory psychotherapy treatment which only aggravate the disease. The mother starts feeling guilty when the disease manifests itself. The relations become more and more complicated and, what is even worse, the disease progresses. I would like to tell all nice and guiltless mothers that must have been deprived of love, attention and tenderness and caress in their childhood and to their daughters whose lives bulimia concerns that there are no unsolvable problems, there are no sharp or common judgments in respect to all people!!! Each case is unique, each family is unique as well; that's why the most important thing is to realize the problem and ask for professional help. It will help not only to recover an emotional background of your relations buy also provide a stable basis for the girl suffering from bulimia to recover. A self-esteem level is identified, a unique therapy mode is selected in the course of work with a psychologist, and the girl learns to accept and to love herself, to build harmonious relations with herself in the first place as the only way to cure bulimia is love of oneself. And mum can become a helping hand and share her daughter's ideas, strengthen emotional intimacy and confidence with her own child who is unquestionably the dearest and the most beloved in the world due to the new knowledge obtained as the result of the work with an expert. For questions and an individual consultation e-mail to:
This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
With wishes for good and love, Irina Kultchinskaya Internet journal Bulimiastop.com |
